Today was a new low. I just feel so frustrated, so confused, so alone in my faith. Last year at school I joined a ministry called Campus Outreach, and it was just not for me- but I kept trying to make it fit into my life because I felt so deprived of Christian leadership as a freshman college student away from her home church. The whole group said they focused on community outreach, saying we must pour the gospel into others’ lives. But I never really understood why I would share the gospel with someone I didn’t know, or some random girl that lived next door to me in my dorm. And the more Christians you converted, the more you were praised. This group was so closed off to drinking (as is every other youth ministry I’ve experienced) and they never really said why, or it never struck me. I’ve always struggled with drinking, but they automatically assumed if I was drinking I was lost and looking for attention and love, when in reality I just wanted to have a good time. Am I insecure? Yes. But I don’t believe having a couple beers means I’m depressed and don’t know Jesus loves me. I’m SO sick of Student Ministries placing an emphasis on not drinking- NO. Or an emphasis on “living weekend to weekend”. What the hell does that mean? Where does Jesus play into this? I know in the bible it says drinking is a sin, but I’ve always thought sin is so much deeper than a physical act. And does one physical act always have the same emotional motivation? Considering there are more than 7 billion people in the world, I’m guessing not. I just am always confused and frustrated on this situation. Anyway, I made the decision to stop going to Campus Outreach because I realized that I didn’t want to be a part of a clique-y, non-diverse group of people who placed a huge emphasis on Christian friends rather than just loving the people that are in their lives, no matter what they believe. And the worst part of it all is they never said a word. I spent a huge chunk of my freshman year devoted to this group, searching and searching for sincere spiritual connections and never found them. Maybe glimpses of them, but never found them. And instead of texting me and asking me if I wanted to hangout, or even asking if I wanted to talk about why I didn’t want to be in the ministry anymore, I was just dropped. No words. And that hurts so much. I don’t even know where to go from here. I feel so lost. I feel like every ministry is clique-y and not even focused on the right things at Bradley and that is so frustrating. I have basically zero community and just so dearly desire a mentor in my life that will point me to the Lord. Because I do thirst for Him. Of course I do. I wouldn’t be desperate for community if I didn’t. If you’re reading this and feel the same way, I’m so sorry. I know it hurts so much. But I have to believe everything happens for a reason, and God is in the midst of this. It just sucks right now. And if you’re reading this and have input, please message me or comment or contact me. And most of all, pray if you can. Not a huge, lofty prayer, just a little, “Hey God- you know Steph? Just be with her.” prayer. Thanks for reading.


God Bless,

Stephanie Becker


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