Lately I’ve been feeling so far from any sort of Christ-centered community; I feel constantly as if I don’t fit into the student ministry here at my college. Because I’m in a sorority and have an extroverted, edgy, sassy personality, I amount to a strange hybrid of bad girl and Christ lover. I never know what to make of it. I feel like some of the people in the my student ministry think I go out to get attention from guys, drink and generally delve into and absorb sin. When in reality I go out to dance silly with my friends and sing obnoxiously to “fergalicious” until 3 am. If I really fit into the campus ministry, I wouldn’t feel like I had to prove I am a Christian. It angers me so much. God doesn’t make cookie-cutter perfect little Christians; that thought doesn’t even make sense. He made us messy, radical, sinful people to show how much we need Him. How LOST we are without Him. The gospel wouldn’t have any meaning any other way.
So often I feel like my best friends here who don’t go to church with me show me so much more acceptance and love than any of the people I know who I would normally attend church with. So what is going on here? Doesn’t God make us all fabulous, different and unique? And doesn’t it say plainly in the bible to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark 12:31? I’m so sick of feeling like a strange, misunderstood hybrid of sassy sorority girl and junior high bible study leader. Who am I? It’s times like these, when I’m close to staying in my bed all day and feeling sorry for myself, when I have to remind myself that I can’t depend on others. If I have learned anything this year, it is that literally everyone will let me down. Disappoint me. Leave me full of sadness. Devoid of joy. Empty. And the only true, constant thing I have in my life is God. And the sacrifice His only son made for me.
At the ripe age of 18, I’m starting to grasp how much more real life is. It is not sunshine and rainbows. Life consists of hurt, pain, sadness, emotion. Raw emotion. And I need to make a habit of relying on God more. Every time I feel like my world is crumbling, I pray the force of the crash pushes me onto my knees in prayer and worship.
But I’ve been lazy. L A Z Y, people. It’s been weeks since I last really opened my bible. A part of me is annoyed at life in general (if you’ve taken nursing classes, you understand my pain), and another part of me doesn’t want to read the bible because I feel like some of the Christians I know at school give me a hypocritical vibe and a feeling that I’m just so much different and more sinful than them. But I think that’s just a stupid excuse. I know myself. I’m not the type to claim I’m perfect. I’ll be the first to admit I mess up. Not like I’m proud of my sin, but I’m more than aware that I’m am not Jesus. Who’s with me?
If you feel alone and misunderstood, believe me, I’ve been there. I’m there now. But let me tell you something: you’re not alone. God is with you, in the midst of you, crying with you, laughing with you, feeling with you. Why do we always let ourselves forget that? Why do we always forget we’ve got this amazing, trustworthy, loving creator rooting for us? His truth should always override our emotions (that are usually moody, hormonal, and exaggerated anyway, right? Don’t even try to think otherwise, reader. I know they are.)
I know this post was a little scatterbrained, but I haven’t posted in so long and it feels so good to write out everything I’m feeling. I’ll share a verse that gives me comfort, hope and peace. “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
So next time you feel judged by another Christian, or just completely different than your community of believers, it’s going to be okay. God loves you, understands you, and hungers for you more than anyone on this earth. And I know it’s so hard to understand that because he’s not physically present, standing in front of you, telling you these things. But this is the truth.
I hope you all feel the love and joy God has to offer. God bless.